Sexual Consent & Our Young in Universities

I am a Psychotherapist working at a London University counselling team.  Our student services manager attended one of our supervision sessions recently asking for suggestions about a sexual consent intervention with the whole university, as there had been several incidents recently reported where sexual consent had not been given when sexual acts had occurred.  This article is a response to that request.

 

One suggestion from our team was to play one of the many videos advising on sexual consent that are out there to the University on a regular basis.  The argument here was that in keeping this issue in mind it would reduce these occurrences.  There are numerous web pages, information leaflets, YouTube clips, and articles online that clearly lay out what consent is.  These have been well thought out and are educational if someone does not understand, or has any ambiguity about, what a ‘yes’, or a ‘no’ looks or sounds like when it comes to sex.   However, whilst understanding this simple concept is clearly part of an endemic problem for our culture at present, I do not believe it covers all the issue. 

 

Universities all over are desperately trying to fix this problem of consent.  It is a systemic cultural issue.  More and more girls, and some boys, are reporting being forced into sexual situations, including to the point of rape.  It seems to me that student services departments seem to be fighting fires with water pistols.  Some university leadership teams try following current politically correct guidance, which can appear to suggest trying to put rules in place and laying out consent check points in the sexual act.  This is undoubtably coming from a place of caring and consideration.  But, to understand that consent means enthusiastic participation in sexual activity, I believe deep down, we know by the definition of being a human being.  That saying yes to a certain sexual act does not mean saying yes to any, or all sexual acts is obvious.  That the person whom you would like to have sex with has feelings, needs, expectations, wants, and a history, is known to you, if not on the surface, then in your body and soul somewhere.  We do not suddenly unlearn these truths and become someone who does not consider the other.  A numbing to this considerate part of ourselves happens over a long period of time in response to events, conversations, implied or otherwise, situations we learn from, and all manner of external stimuli we are exposed to through luck of the draw, or a combination of events which come about from the various choices we make in our lives from a young age.  So, how do you undo a young lifetime of influence from a culture that has led you towards this confused and abusive place of relating to women.  The Universities are up against it. I believe one of the solutions may be that young men, who are mostly the perpetrators, need more guidance from our wider culture in how to view sex and relationships in the first place.  This includes learning how to deal with the enormous sexual energy coursing through their bodies post puberty.

 

The cost of the void

 

When we are young boys, most of us had a mother we relied on and loved.  As men, we maybe even had sisters, or female cousins.  At that age could we have imagined then that they might be forced into a sexual act, or be hurt in any way?  That would have been terribly upsetting for us to hear of or think about.  Yet when we go through puberty a shift happens and some of us disconnect with the nuances of these sensitive and connected feelings, and are even overtly encouraged to, while the reckoning of a struggle with your own sexuality and sexual energy begins.  But where was the wise guidance that we needed in regulating this new energy we found ourselves struggling to harness?  And how are we meant to deal with all the excitement, rejections, mixed messages, pornographic content, peer pressure, and images which get thrown about of what it means to be a man?  I would like to talk here about the male wound.  A lot of the thoughts I lay out here I learned from my men’s group leader and mentor, Nick Duffell .  Let me try to describe the male wound to you.

 

The first part of the problem…

 

When we think back to when we were a young boy, this may be a time which we find difficult to connect with through memories.  This time when the most important person in our life was our mother.  At a certain point when we began to become aware of ourselves, we realised, in opposition to what girls’ experience, that we were different to our mothers.  Our genitals were different.  Whilst girls can identify with their mothers, because their genitals are the same, we could not do this.  The only option was to be in relationship to her, which at that age can be terribly confusing.  This realisation of our difference led to a growing void in our psyche, whether we realise it or not.  A void where we began to search for the identity we did not find in our mothers.  What could fill that void?  Identity with our fathers! 

 

Here lies the second part of this problem…

 

For many of us our fathers were not present at that age.  If they were, they may not have been there in the ways that we would have wanted them to be.  Nick Duffell (1) says, “As boys, whether we realise it or not, what we really want, and need is a father with a heart”.  This lovely vision of ‘a father with a heart’ includes a mature vision of masculinity which; listens over giving advice, is not afraid of his own or others vulnerability, can teach the regulation of emotions, and can help boys grow into a mature and awakened version of a man, which is something other than our traditional cultural views on what masculinity is.

 

If our fathers are absent, Nick Duffell (1) talks about the arising of a void in our psyches.  This void becomes “filled with separateness and difference.  Demons may rush into this void.  In our lack of healthy identity as Men, we begin to objectify and demean that which we are separate from, women.  We can even begin to anthropomorphise and personify objects – famously cars, which we call “she”.”  When we objectify, we connect out of relationship with women.  We do not see women for who they are, we only see them for what pleasure they can bring us.  This is a huge problem.  Our ability to be in a loving and sexual relationship, where our needs are fulfilled and we fulfil the needs of another, is out of reach.

 

 

In search of a Mature Masculinity

 

The view from our men’s group perspective is that Men and Women need separate instruction on sex and sexuality.  Women need to be encouraged to explore how they can be fulfilled sexually, and even, on a basic level, that they have a right to want that.  This definitely, of course, includes that they have a right to say no.  Men, on the other hand, need something different.  We need help in forming a positive male identity, and in reconnecting with our hearts.  Nick describes the adult male predicament as having a “forgetful heart”.  I sometimes think we are like alcoholics who cannot admit we have a problem, because we genuinely do not see it yet.  Ideally, this type of instruction might have come from our fathers, other male family, or community members. What we did not receive in the “void” created we can get from learning to relate to, and being around, other conscious and mature men, in a healthy and structured context.  This work begins with us recognising this lack of connection and identity to begin with. It takes an effort to grow into a mature masculinity.  It takes the support and presence of older, more experienced Men, who have learnt this themselves.  It is a journey we can all choose to take and, I believe, should take, if we want both our external and internal lives to go well, and if we want our relationships to go well.  If we can learn to relate to each other as men in a way that develops our hearts, not just by relating competitively, or through a ‘third thing” or activity, such as sports, or cars, then we can learn to develop our hearts and step back into relationship with ourselves and others.  We can learn what more we can be than the old, limited, and outdated forms that masculinity has been.  This helps us begin to build a positive gender identity.  And, in turn, this also helps us to learn to regulate our own sexual energy with respect and consideration for others.  We can learn to exist and connect with the world through our hearts as well as our genitals.  We can learn to become better men for ourselves and for the women in our lives, both currently, and with all the potential that the future holds.  When we learn to do this, we become initiated into the mature male world, and hold ourselves, and each other accountable.  And from what I have experienced and heard back from other men is that women tend to like it too!

 

Conclusion

 

The issues of sexual consent, and the way they are being dealt with in universities, has the potential to completely miss the void that young men experience.  There is an opportunity here to work with young men and take their journey to manhood seriously.  If only Universities had the courage to think outside of the box and take the risk to engage young men in a way that considers the socio-cultural burden they have been born into, where that leaves them in themselves at present, and with all the untapped potential of the Men they could be, rather than just box ticking.  If this happened I believe that our young men, our young women, and the world would be in a better place for it.

 

REFERENCES

1.     Nick Duffell [A Training in Menswork Group Facilitation] 2020 [cited May 2022]

 

 

With thanks to Nick Duffell and Men’s Group ‘Searching for my Father if found myself’. Reproduced with permission. 

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